We need emotional connection like we need oxygen.  As the Dalai Lama says, “People can live without religion or meditation, but they cannot live without being emotional connected.” We respond to babies and dogs so well because they are so naked about their needs and desire to be emotionally connected. Conflict arises when we feel emotionally disconnected from our partner. Then we react in predictable ways.  Either we respond:

Anxiously – we get harsh and loud as if we are going to force our partner to pay attention to us

Avoidantly – we withdraw to protect ourselves and in hopes that our partner will be quit being mad with us.  We learn to not have any needs.

Or

Fearful/Chaotically – this is the most desperate response.  We basically say “Come here, but go away or come here, but don’t touch.” We are trying to tell our partner that we desperately need them, but you hurt me more than anyone else.

Does your partner help you regulate your fear and anxiety? Or are they the trigger that pushes you further into threat? Research has shown that partners who have hostile interactions have weaker immune systems and cardiovascular systems, have more headaches and are more prone to cancer. Or if we cannot connect with our partner, we live in a state of emotional starvation. Underneath the hurt feelings are the fear of rejection and abandonment.  Learning to be emotionally present to the other is the solution.

In EFT Couples therapy, we help each partner feel safer in the relationship so that they can securely reach and take the risk to ask for what they want. Partners who are willing to go into their emotions and who will work with them in a new way and send a new emotional signal to their partner are the ones whose relationship improves. Using EFT therapy, I help partners create positive emotionally corrective experiences so the relationship is redefined as a safe haven.

Even after therapy, couples still have some conflict or disagreements (if not, one of the partners is emotionally sitting out of the relationship), but they don’t stay there as long and they know how to recover. Partners who feel safe with each other and know that they are loved, respected and that their opinion is cared about, can work out issues.  If you and your partner would like to be more positively connected, contact Elizabeth Pankey-Warren about counseling or call 561 866-6607.