Relationships are tricky. For example, you may deal with issues like anger along the way. Perhaps one or both of you do not feel comfortable opening up.

Left unaddressed, issues like these can cause your connection to weaken. Feelings may be kept inside. At other times, those emotions get overwhelmed by an underlying sense of anger or frustration.

Fortunately, there are many ways to move toward a place of healing. A good option is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This short-term (8 to 20 sessions) approach to psychotherapy is a form of couples counseling with a strong body of results. Let’s explore the step-by-step process of EFT.

The Nine Steps of EFT

Your EFT therapist will guide you through three phases:

Phase 1: Assess and Deescalate

The four steps in this initial phase focus on:

  • Identifying the primary disagreements in your relationship
  • Exposing the patterns used by each of you to express this conflict
  • Getting in touch with the feelings being ignored
  • Both partners reframe their positions: no longer victims of this pattern but working as a team to end it

Phase 2: Change Events

Moving right along, the second phase creates emotional experiences that “correct” the less than ideal behaviors, e.g.

  • Giving voice to the needs and wants you have neglected
  • Learning to express one’s needs healthily
  • Helping each partner hear and accept the other’s wants and needs

Phase 3: Consolidation of Change

In the final phase, the couple practices putting all their new skills into action. This usually leads to:

  • Discovering new solutions
  • Resolving problems that lie below the surface
  • Combining everything in a new form of couple communication

How EFT Helps Spouses Soothe Anger and Risk Being More Open

Conflict is Reduced

Conflicts are normal and inevitable during any relationship. If they’re not dealt with, however, it can set a dangerous cycle into motion. EFT helps partners to become more aware of what they are feeling in the present moment. In turn, once those emotions are identified, the couple can:

  • Better understand how their emotions affect their relationship
  • Appreciate the importance of dealing with their feelings and issues
  • Work together to create a more secure bond

Avoidance is Reduced

Every couple wants to create and maintain a secure attachment. This is not possible if either of them is avoidant. Your EFT therapist will remind you that it’s normal for things to not feel good at times.

If you ignore or avoid those feelings, both of you will develop emotional needs that are not being met. EFT teaches you that problems of any size can be resolved if both partners communicate openly and respectfully.

Stopping Problems Before They Take Off

The self-awareness developed through EFT can prevent conflict. You’re better able to recognize triggers and patterns. You can see trouble brewing. This allows you to talk things about with your partner before yelling or passive-aggressive behaviors kick in.

EFT Brings Out the Best in Each of You

Emotionally focused therapy can be used with individuals, couples and even families. The process will leave you much better equipped to deal with the challenging work of repairing and maintaining a close, connnected relationship. Some of the individual benefits EFT offers include:

  • Help you learn how to cope with your own emotional concerns, e.g. depression or anxiety
  • Teach you a wider range of emotional responses to challenges and conflict
  • Develop a more secure sense of self when interacting with others

EFT is a wonderful approach, and I’d love to tell you and your partner much more about it. Reach out today for a free and confidential consultation.