One of the lesser known symptoms of ADD is “emotional dysregulation”, and it could be why you struggle to connect emotionally with your teen.
People with ADD feel stronger emotions than those without ADD. As a result, they may struggle to self-regulate and self-soothe. Even something as simple as a pen running out of ink can send someone with ADD into an overblown emotional reaction.
Don’t worry! There are strategies you can try to not only help your teen manage their emotions, but to prove that you genuinely want to understand and help them through it all.
Fundamental Assumptions You Should Make Before Talking with Your Teen
ADD teens who are under stress suffer even more from emotional dysregulation. They may fidget, pace, yell, stonewall, or give you short responses. Getting mad at them in return will only make them feel like they can’t connect with you, cutting off their chances of improvement.
Instead, go into conversations assuming a few important things:
- Your teen is doing their best. Believe it. If they’re struggling, it’s not because they’re intentionally stubborn, and it’s not because they don’t care. It’s because they’re missing the skills and tools they need to continue. Guide them with gentle encouragement.
- You’re both on the same team. Don’t think of it as you vs. your teen, think of it as you and your teen vs. the problem. They’re just as frustrated as you are that they can’t turn in homework on time or stay on top of their chores.
- Their outward frustration is not personal. Your teen didn’t wake up and decide, “Today, I’m going to show Mom and Dad who’s boss.” Find the underlying problem and help them solve it—lingering on their choice of words or attitude is only going to frustrate them further by feeling like a waste of time. Find hope in the fact that they’re comfortable enough to share their emotions with you in the first place.
- Practice unconditional love and forgiveness. Your teen needs to know that you’re a safe place for them to cry, scream, and celebrate. They fight off their loud emotional responses every day in public and at school. Show them that they will be loved at home no matter how emotional they are that day.
Skills to Connect Emotionally with Your Teen
Problem-solving is always more efficient when emotions are entirely removed from the situation. Unfortunately, this will rarely be the case with your ADD teen.
That’s why it’s important to utilize tactics that can help guide your teen away from emotional communication and toward cognitive communication:
- Name their emotions as they come. Show that you see and hear your teen by naming their emotions back to them without being judgemental or condescending. “I can tell that you’re frustrated—that’s totally okay, you can be! I’m here to help you through it.”
- Practice reflective listening. Give a genuine effort to put their thoughts and feelings into your own words so they know you understand them. This will help to build trust with your teen and make them feel less alone.
- Vary the amount of pressure you apply. Sometimes your teen needs a “Trust yourself—you can do it!” kind of push, and other times they need a question asked a few different ways before they finally get what you’re asking. Be patient, and help them recognize your emotions may influence how you can help them, too. If you think your child will respond positively, consider starting with, “I will help you, but if my emotions get out of control, we’ll have to stop and take a break.”
Parents don’t have to be therapists, they just have to be supportive. That’s why I’m here!
Schedule an appointment with me today and I can help your teen explore even more strategies to help with emotional dysregulation and connection.