Dr. John Gottman, one of the most experienced and esteemed marriage therapists, has studied marital interactions for decades.  He has identified 4 toxic behaviors between partners. He calls these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” 

These destructive behaviors are listed below with constructive alternatives.  These suggestions also make relationships better between parents and children, in friendships and in the workplace. 

CRITICISM

To criticize another is to give them a verbal “slap.” Somehow we think that when we criticize, the other person will get that we are unhappy with them, and will want to remedy the situation.  But can you think of a time when you criticized someone you love and they rushed over to you to ask how they could make things better? The recipient of criticism feels hurt and most likely feels like you want to hurt them. 

The CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVE to criticism is to MAKE A REQUEST. 

When we criticize, we are most likely frustrated and underneath that frustration is hurt and underneath the hurt is a need.  So, when you feel like criticizing your partner, take a deep breath, get in touch with what you are feeling and what it is you need. Let them know about your hurt and let them know what you need. Ask for it in a thoughtful, positive manner – asking not demanding. 

DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness comes out of shame.  When our partner tries to tell us something they are upset with about us, our defensiveness makes them feel not heard, or worse that we don’t really even care about what they say and feel.  Our defensiveness will likely make them upset and then they may withdraw, or increase the volume and intensity of their distress. 

The CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVE to defensiveness is to LISTEN.

Again, take a deep breath, stay aware of your breathing, and listen to what our partner is saying.  It is hard to listen because we experience our partner’s upset with us as criticism even if they aren’t using critical words.  Listening doesn’t mean acquiescing or agreeing with everything your partner says, but if we “listen to understand,” we may be more likely to understand our partner’s point of view which makes it more likely that they will listen to us in return. 

photo of a man and woman smiling at each other while standing on a beachWITHDRAWAL 

When we withdraw physically or even emotionally from a conflict situation, our partner will feel abandoned, rejected and uncared for.  Those who are prone to withdraw usually want to avoid conflict, but in doing so, they make their partner feel unimportant.  A pursuing partner will then increase the volume of their protest and a negative cycle is up and running.  

The CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVE to withdrawal is to TAKE TIME TO SELF-SOOTHE (calm down) and then RE- ENGAGE. 

Partners can agree ahead of a conflict that a time out can be called and taken (with a return time is not too far out).  It is important that the withdrawer state that they need a break to self soothe and calm down, but that they are coming back. Then both partners will need to breathe, and trust that their partner cares and that a short break will allow them to come back together to resolve their conflict. If a conflict has passed a certain threshold of anger and intensity, a “time out” can avoid more destructive behavior.  Importantly, the one who requests the time out, must 1) make it as brief as possible 2) and be the one to re-engage from a listening position (ex. “Let me see if can understand what you’ve been trying to tell me.”) 

CONTEMPT 

Contempt is the most destructive behavior of all. The rolling of the eyes, the look of disgust, or name calling create lasting wounds in the relationship. When we treat another with contempt, he or she is likely to feel belittled, helpless, hurt and enraged. It can be considered proof of how little we care.  

The CONSTRUCTIVE ALTERNATIVE to contempt is to BREATHE and ASK FOR WHAT WE NEED and work to develop greater EMPATHY for our partner’s situation.  Underneath our contempt is our perceived unheard need to be cared for.  Get in touch with what we need and ask for it respectfully. Imagine your partner is a small child who is begging to be paid attention to and try and understand what your partner is so distressed about.   

The ”Four Horsemen” are defensive behaviors. They seem to protect us in the short run, but at the expense of the relationship.  The constructive alternatives are adaptive behaviors.  They increase our sense of self worth, and strengthen the relationship so each partner can get the love and care they deserve.  Good luck taming those wild horses, and if you need help, don’t hesitate to call me at 561/866-6607 for couples counseling. (This article was adapted from one of my mentors, the Rev. Dr. John Wallis).