At first, it might seem strange to consider the fact that there is a “right” way to argue. But, the way you handle conflicts in your life can have a direct impact on your romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, and career.
You’re not going to agree with everyone. You’re going to experience conflict. Unfortunately, there are some common missteps that can make those conflicts much worse. When you recognize the right way to approach conflict, you can strengthen relationships, rather than break them down.
But, before you take the right approach, you have to learn where you might be going wrong. Let’s take a closer look at some unhelpful ways you might be approaching conflict, so you can make positive, effective changes.
Avoidance
You might think the best way to deal with conflict is to avoid it altogether. After all, if you don’t bring up the things that are bothering you, you won’t have to deal with disagreements, right?
Unfortunately, this approach often does more harm than good. Emotions demand to be felt, whether you talk about them or not. The longer you let your feelings linger inside without working through them, the stronger they’re likely to become.
Brushing conflict under the rug is going to make it escalate later. It will also likely create tension between you and the other person that will never get resolved on its own. Avoiding difficult conversations about things you disagree on isn’t the way to go, and it will only draw out your discomfort.
Playing the Blame Game
It’s understandable to feel hurt when you’re in conflict with someone. Sometimes, there really is no right or wrong, but a difference of opinion. Other times, you might be in conflict with someone because they hurt you.
Either way, one of the worst things you can do to resolve conflict is to play the blame game. Even if you feel you’ve been mistreated, saying things like “you’re always mean to me” or “you never take my feelings into consideration” probably won’t be helpful. Blaming another person for your feelings will make them defensive. It will escalate the argument.
Instead, focus on using “I” statements. Let that person know how you feel with a calm tone, and you’ll be more likely to work things out together.
Bringing Up Past Hurts
When you want to get ahead or feel like you’re winning in a conflict, you might bring up things from the past that the other person has done to hurt you or to cause problems.
All that strategy will do is create even bigger problems.
No matter what kind of conflict you’re dealing with, stay on the topic at hand. Bringing up past hurts will let the other person know you haven’t forgiven them. It will also escalate the current disagreement instead of making it easier to find a resolution.
If there are things from the past that are still bothering you, pick a different time and place to discuss them. Don’t let the heat and frustration of a present conflict cause you to say things you otherwise wouldn’t.
Showing Disrespect
No matter how you act when you’re in conflict with someone, be sure to lead with respect. Having a disrespectful attitude will set the tone for the conversation, and the person you’re in conflict with likely will show you the same attitude, in return.
You don’t have to agree with someone or even like the way they think to show them decency and respect. You might be surprised by how much further you’ll get in working together if you choose to be respectful and expect the same from them.
Conflicts in life are unavoidable. But, they don’t have to slice through relationships. If you’re guilty of any of these missteps, commit yourself to making positive changes in the future, and you’ll see how much better healthy, effective disagreements can be. Reach out to learn more about how family or couples therapy can help.