No one feels good about being in the middle of a conflict. Even if you’re sure that you’re “right” about something, the idea of being at odds with someone can be difficult. That’s especially true if it’s someone you genuinely care about.
Ideally, every conflict would be resolved quickly. But, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes two people just can’t agree. Other times, however, you could be sabotaging a possible resolution without realizing it.
If you have a habit of sabotaging conflict resolution, it could be time to make some changes and avoid common mistakes getting in the way. Let’s look at a few of those mistakes and how you can make a positive change in the way you handle conflicts.
Refusing to Engage
Stonewalling is the act of shutting down another person when they’re trying to resolve a conflict with you. You might choose to ignore them, or you won’t even talk to them about your perspective.
This kind of “silent treatment” completely destroys the possibility of resolution. Without communication, things will never get better. You might think that trying to ignore the problem will make it go away, but it will only make things worse.
Communication Issues
Speaking of communication, there are plenty of ways it can create more problems during a conflict if you aren’t engaging with someone the right way.
Some of the most common communication mistakes people make include interrupting when someone else is speaking, playing the blame game instead of using “I” statements, and using sweeping generalizations to describe what’s going on, rather than pointing at specifics that relate to the situation at hand.
Effective communication can make conflict resolution much easier. So, it should come as no surprise that these common communication issues can make it more difficult.
Wanting to “Win”
Again, even if you’re positive that you’re “right” about a situation, your purpose shouldn’t always be to win an argument.
Prioritizing being right over finding a solution will only make things worse. You won’t let go of your position and you’ll have a harder time showing empathy or considering different perspectives.
If a conflict arises between you and someone you care about, remember that you’re on the same team. You might have different ideas about things, but you’re not enemies. Choose to focus on how you can work together to find resolution, rather than sticking your heels in the ground to win the argument.
Bringing Up Past Hurts
One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to resolve conflicts is not staying focused on the present. If you bring up past conflicts or issues that haven’t been resolved, you’re likely to make the issue at hand much bigger than it needs to be.
Bringing up past hurts shows the person you’re in conflict with that you haven’t forgiven or forgotten. They’ll assume that you’ve been dwelling on those issues, and maybe you have. Not being able to let go of past hurts can fuel your anger and frustration and make it more difficult to come to a resolution.
Making Assumptions
If someone doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t give you the right to assume you know what they’re thinking. Don’t pretend to be a mind reader when it comes to conflicts. Instead, ask about their opinion or how they’re feeling.
Making assumptions will make matters worse. No one likes to be told what they’re thinking or be labeled a certain way without any real merit to it.
Unfortunately, there are many other mistakes to consider when it comes to conflict resolution. The best thing you can do is focus on healthy communication. Be an active listener, express yourself clearly and respectfully, and always be willing to compromise. If you find that you’re consistently struggling with conflict resolution, consider reaching out for help to put these positive practices into action. Contact me for more information, and we’ll set up an appointment for couples counseling to get started.