In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to explain trauma to our children because it wouldn’t happen so frequently. Unfortunately, nearly everyone will experience some kind of traumatic event in their lifetime. That includes children.
If your child has been through a traumatic event or you’re simply trying to prepare them mentally and emotionally, it’s important to know what to say and what to avoid. Using a thoughtful approach that is tailored to their age is the best way to get your point across without overwhelming them or making things worse.
Of course, you might think that it sounds easier said than done. So, let’s cover some of the things you should (and shouldn’t) say when talking about trauma to your children.
Validate Your Child’s Feelings
Your child might be dealing with big feelings, but they also might not know exactly what those feelings are or how to process them. No matter what, let them know that all emotions are acceptable. They are allowed to feel however they want to feel. It’s how they work through those feelings that matters.
Try using phrases like, “It makes sense to feel that way,” if they express what’s going on inside. That kind of simple validation can help them feel more comfortable while motivating them to open up further.
Use Age-Appropriate Communication
One of the most important things you can do when explaining trauma to your children is to use words that make sense to them without scaring or overwhelming them. That can feel like a balancing act, but it’s possible.
Be as simple and factual as possible. You don’t always have to “hide” things from your kids when something bad happens, but you don’t have to reveal the details if it isn’t appropriate for their age. For very young children, you can simply tell them something bad happened, but that they are safe.
Older children who are able to understand more can receive a bit of detail, including what happened and what’s being done to keep them safe. You know your child better than anyone, so use your own judgment when it comes to the right words to say.
Make sure you’re also encouraging communication. Explaining trauma isn’t always a one-time conversation. Start conversations with questions and encourage your child to open up with their own questions. The more you’re able to fill in the gaps for them, the less likely it will be for them to feel unsafe or anxious.
What Not to Say
You might be tempted to ignore the traumatic event. However, sweeping things under the rug won’t help. Children are very perceptive and will still understand when something isn’t right.
When you speak to your child about their trauma, don’t minimize their feelings or talk to them about “getting over it” quickly. Use just enough detail for them to understand without playing the blame game or generalizing specific groups of people.
Finally, don’t force your child to talk. Provide a safe space for them to open up, but allow them to share when they’re ready.
Model Healthy Behaviors
You are your child’s greatest role model. It’s likely you were impacted by the trauma they experienced, too. So, make sure you’re taking steps to prioritize your own well-being. When you model healthy coping mechanisms, it will be easier for your child to learn how to manage their emotions appropriately.
Going through therapy for trauma can help you better understand your emotions and how to work through them effectively. Therapy, combined with self-care practices, will make a big difference in how you feel as you try to help your child better understand the impact of trauma, too.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t talk through the effects of trauma without processing it yourself. Contact us today to start that chapter, and you’ll be better equipped to help your child work through it, too.
