Telling someone with an anxiety disorder not to be such a “worrywart” is about as relevant as telling someone with a sprained knee to pick up their pace.
Constantly feeling intense fear even when nothing dangerous is going on can be stressful for your loved one. You don’t have to remind them not to worry, because they’d happily choose that option if they felt it was available.
Anxiety disorders are different from everyday feelings of anxiety. A healthy dose of anxiety encourages people to be responsible and take preventative action. (Think seeing the dentist once a year or navigating a career change.)
When anxiety builds up too much, though, the body responds for us.
Logically, someone with anxiety thinks, there’s no reason to be afraid right now. But then, why is my heart beating so aggressively? Why is every noise around me suddenly so clear? My gut just dropped to my feet, so I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t be doing this, but… I don’t know why.
1. Drop the idea that you need to relate deeply to your loved one’s fears in order to believe that they’re anxious.
Instead of having them re-explain it to you until you finally “get” their pain, take your loved one’s symptoms at face value.
People with anxiety often struggle with racing, cyclical thought patterns like all-or-nothing thinking or overgeneralization. Their thoughts are not under their control, so they need help grounding themselves more so than finding reasons not to worry. Gently talk them through it similar to how you would gently lead someone with a sprained ankle off a soccer field.
Sit outside together, practice deep breathing, and spend time noticing nature’s little details. It can help healthily remind them of their own insignificance or reveal how non-life-threatening their fear is.
2. If they seem fine one day, that doesn’t mean they are magically cured of anxiety.
Those with anxiety disorders sometimes face invalidating comments like, “Well you seem okay, so you must be okay!”
People with anxiety disorders are under no obligation to fit into your mold of what “anxious” looks like. They’re not purposely avoiding events or tasks by “acting” anxious some days, and being fine on others.
The “good days” you see are a result of their coping mechanisms working, while the “bad days” are their “normal” days that lost the ability to cope.
People with social anxiety may seem fine at home, but once they’re up next at the drive-through window, suddenly the anxiety is visible again. That doesn’t mean it didn’t exist before, it just got agitated by a trigger.
Don’t let moments like this surprise you—believe your loved one when they say they’re feeling anxious. Watch for common symptoms like unexplained physical pains or compulsive fidgeting. Every time they face a trigger, treat it as if they just took a punch on top of a bruise.
Some people keep their cool through pain, but that doesn’t mean they’re no longer in pain. Offer a little compassion.
3. Being in the military isn’t the only thing that can cause severe anxiety disorders like PTSD, and assuming so is invalidating.
Assuming everyone requires the same level of stress as you do to fall apart (or to be healthily motivated) is pretty closed-minded. Even if you went through the same traumatic experience as your loved one, it can still affect them differently.
Research shows that 20% of people who go through trauma develop PTSD. More research reveals that around 50% experience the opposite: post traumatic growth. This doesn’t take away from the 20% who still face intense flashbacks to the most painful times in their life over small, often unavoidable triggers.
The best thing you can do for your loved one is to believe and support them. If their anxiety prevents them from living a fulfilling life, encourage them to seek out a counselor for professional help.