Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has been utilized since the 1980s to help individuals, couples, and families. It is specifically designed to help those in a relationship process pain. In doing so, you can move forward as individuals and as a couple, and bring your love back to life.
When we are in a committed relationship, we have to process the pain that comes from the way our emotional attachment style unintentionally hurts our partner. Unexamined and unprocessed pain shows up in our behavior towards our partner. For example, if one partner is in the habit of blocking our pushing down emotions, the other can feel hurt that their feelings are not being taken in. When we don’t feel understood by our partner, pain shows up that blocks our connection. the partner who doesn’t feel heard may begin to back away and shut down their heart. If we have lived without emotional connection for a long time, then what we call “the cycle” comes alive quickly.
The cycle in a committed relationship is the ingrained patterns of behavior and reaction that happen because of the emotional styles and wounds that each partner brings into the relationship.
How does EFT work for couples, and what can you expect when it comes to bringing back love?
What Does Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Look Like?
Unlike many other forms of couples therapy, EFT typically lasts anywhere from 12-20 sessions.
In that short time, you’ll go through a structured approach to address any forms of distress in your relationship. The goal is to create secure, loving bonds that last a lifetime.
You’ll start by learning about your own attachment style, as well as your partner’s. You may have developed different attachment styles growing up, and that can make it difficult to connect. Those whose life experiences have caused them to develop what we call an insecure attachment style might struggle to feel comfortable expressing their feelings in their relationship. When the other partner feels like their partner is distant or not emotionally engaged, they feel hurt. Eventually this pattern of behaviors, or the cycle, causes both partners to make negative meaning about their interactions.
Often in committed relationships, we find a “pursurer” and a “withdrawer.” A pursuer is the one who reaches for the other and wants emotional connection. A withdrawer has learned to keep their feelings to themselves and they regulate their emotional state by tamping down feelings. When pursuers feel rejected or ignored by their emotionally unavailable partner, they can go into berating and belittling as a desperate way to get their partners to turn towards them and open up emotionally. Unfortunately, these pursuits can shut their withdrawing partner down even more. For withdrawers, emotions that seem normal to others, can feel extreme to them.
When you learn more about yourself and your partner, you can better understand each other’s emotions and why there have been difficulties in your relationship.
Working Through the Stages
You’ll spend the majority of your sessions on de-escalation. You’ll learn to identify your cycle and when it shows up, work through any emotional distress and triggers within the relationship, so you can learn to leave those problems behind.
Once you’ve created more emotional harmony by letting go of your distress, the next phase of therapy can begin. That stage focuses on bonding and reconnecting with your partner.
You’ve already processed the pain and are able to let go of your struggles safely, even beyond the therapist’s office. That gives you a sort of “clean slate” to remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place and gives you the opportunity to bring that love back.
The final stage of EFT for couples involves consolidating your gains. Consolidation allows you to use your new attachment bond with each other to improve the everyday function of your relationship. You’ll learn how to effectively solve “little” problems as they come, and work together as a couple to become more resilient in your relationship.
Is EFT Right for You?
For EFT to work, you have to be willing to open up to your partner. It’s crucial to share your vulnerabilities, needs and wants, and even your fears in the structured setting of therapy. That openness is necessary for creating new attachment bonds and positive cycles of care.
The goal is for those bonds and positive cycles to continue long after your sessions are over. EFT is structured and has limited sessions for a reason—the bonds you create are meant to last a lifetime so you can work through issues in your relationship together. It isn’t designed to make ongoing couples therapy a necessity.
Whether you’ve experienced pain in your relationship or in the past, it’s important that both you and your partner are able to heal effectively. By de-escalating the behaviors that trigger you and letting go of that pain, you can form a new, healthy, love filled attachment that will help you feel closer than ever.
Do you have an interest in learning more about EFT for your relationship? Feel free to contact me. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have about how it can bring back the love you and your partner deserve.