No couple likes to argue or experience conflict, but everyone does. Yes, even the relationships that look “perfect” on the outside experience conflict. The reason they might look perfect, however, is because the couples who know how to argue effectively are the ones improving and strengthening their relationships.
At first, that might sound strange. How can conflict be healthy? How could it possibly be beneficial for your relationship?
Let’s take a closer look at the concept of healthy conflict, what it looks like, and how you can address it in your relationship to strengthen your bond and communicate more effectively.
The Core of Healthy Conflict
If you truly want to experience healthy conflict in your relationship, you and your partner have to work through disagreements with mutual respect and understanding.
That doesn’t mean someone always needs to “give in” and it definitely doesn’t mean conflicts should be avoided.
Rather, you both need to be willing to work through those conflicts without attacking each other’s character or bringing up past disagreements.
Respect and trust are essential to any healthy relationship, especially when things are feeling a little rocky. When you keep those at the core of your conflict, you’re less likely to get into a negative pattern of communication. You’re more likely to remember that you’re on the same team, even if you don’t always agree on things.
Using “I” Language
Healthy conflict doesn’t place blame. Even if you’re not happy with something your partner has done, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
When you focus on how you feel and how your partner’s actions or words, they won’t feel attacked by what you’re saying.
No one in a healthy relationship wants to cause their partner harm or distress. By keeping the focus on you and how you feel, you’ll keep things clear and to the point, and your partner is likely to change their behavior without getting defensive.
Additionally, it’s important to focus on behaviors, not the person. Your partner might do something you don’t like (or vice versa), but that action isn’t who they are. By focusing on specific issues instead of personality traits, your partner probably won’t feel so defensive and will have an easier time changing said behavior.
Don’t Seek Agreement
We live in a society where we’ve been “trained” to have a resolution to every problem.
In relationships, one person has to be right and one person has to be wrong…right?
Not necessarily. In fact, that mindset can cause arguments to linger longer than they need to. It can create lasting discord in your relationship and make things feel tense.
Are there times when one person is correct? Of course. However, even if you know that’s you, it shouldn’t be your stance as you go into a disagreement. Your goal should never be to “win” an argument with your partner.
Rather, it should be to establish an understanding. Begin by listening deeply to your partner with your mind and heart open. When your partner feels truly heard and understood, they will be more open to your viewpoint. At the end of the day, you still might not agree, but listening with an intent to really hear and understand your partner is more important and will lead to more contentment.
While it can be tempting to avoid conflict, choose to embrace it instead. When you focus on the love and respect you have for your partner, you’ll experience more positive outcomes. Healthy conflict can end up improving your relationship and bringing you closer than ever.
To help you communicate effectively through your conflicts, feel free to contact me to learn more about couples therapy. Together, we’ll work on more communication strategies and discuss what healthy conflict should look like in your relationship.