Have you ever felt like you’ve gone through one too many failed relationships? Maybe you’ve lost a lot of hope when it comes to finding the “right” person, or maybe you’re ready to get back out there and start dating, but you don’t want to continue in a negative pattern.
It takes two to tango. Relationships are hardly ever one-sided, and you can’t put all of the blame for a breakup on a former partner or yourself.
But, if you’ve noticed some patterns in past relationships, it’s a good idea to learn from them. While it’s not always easy to admit your mistakes, acknowledging them and developing a willingness to change can (and will) make a big difference in your future romantic endeavors.
So, how can you learn from the past and stop making the same relationship mistakes?
Pay Attention to Your History
Taking a look at your relationship history will make it easier to see patterns that may need to change.
Maybe you have a “type” you’re attracted to that isn’t healthy for you (and don’t realize that you may be unconsciously attracted to someone like one of your parents or at least someone with one or more of the negative patterns of your parents). Maybe you don’t communicate as effectively as you should in relationships. Or, maybe you have trust issues from the start, no matter who you’re with.
These patterns began somewhere. They most likely started in childhood, based on your attachment relationship with your parents. The deeper you’re willing to dig into the past, the more you’re likely to discover about yourself and your relationship habits.
When you do that, you’ll become more aware of the role you took on in your family of origin and how you may have unconsciously recreated this role in past relationships.
Evaluate Your Expectations
Many relationships fail because one partner’s expectations aren’t met. It’s okay to have high expectations and want specific things from a partner. But, it’s also essential to make sure those expectations are realistic and attainable.
No one is going to check every box. Even someone who appears perfect on paper is still a human being, and they’re going to mess up or do things you don’t love sometimes. If your standard of perfection is too high and you’re not giving your partner the grace they need to be human, you’re never going to be satisfied.
Take a look at your expectations and what you typically want from a relationship. Are they realistic? Are you trying to hold your partners to an impossible standard? As you move forward and dive into relationships in the future, consider embracing the humanness and even the vulnerabilities of a potential partner. Our strengths and our weaknesses are what make us all unique. Accepting both will help you find the endearing and lovable parts about the person you’re with.
Give Yourself Time
If you’re tired of repeated relationship mistakes, don’t jump into a new partnership right away expecting different results.
Instead, take some time for yourself. Explore who you really are and who you want to be. What are your values? Make sure you have done your emotional work of healing from childhood wounds so that you will attract a healthier partner.
If you are looking to be in a healthy relationship, and want to make sure you have examined any issues that have or may get in the way of a connected relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out for relationship counseling. The right person is out there for you, and counseling can help you attract the healthiest partner.